As I chew blueberry salt water taffy

Here's the thing. I actually don't even like taffy of any kind because it hurts my teeth and is just a little too much sweet. But my parents keep candy in the middle of the eating table and when you are pacing absent mindedly, waiting for the printer to warm up to print your boarding passes for a 5 o'clock flight, it's difficult not to just pop a taffy in your mouth. Which reminds me of a sage piece of advice my nutritionist gave me at our first meeting: don't depend on willpower. Change your environment.

I think part of my problem with this trip is my environment. As I was packing my suitcase just now, I noticed that my body felt heavy and exhausted, my left hip aching from a troublesome, tugging walk with the dog. I feel, as I'm remembering is often the case after a visit with my parents, run-down.

The first few days I was here, I had the chance to visit with my grandmother, who I hadn't been able to see in a few years. While I hung out on the deck and threw balls for Lady, she teetered around conversations about my sister's wedding (which has been postponed a year) and my personal life. Joining us one evening at the picnic table, my mom asked about Cat's family (Cat is my partner, someone my parents are getting used to, or so I thought). I excitedly chatted about the newest information we had recieved, the pregnancy of Cat's sister-in-law. And how excited we were to be aunts. "Well, now" says my Grandmother, with her lips upturned, "how are you going to be an aunt?" I hesitated for a moment before my mom jumped in, "Because they consider her part of the family, ma." My mom was on my side.

Later that evening, my grandmothers asked, "So you don't have any significant other in your life, do you?" To which I replied, "Of course I do. Cat." My mom changed the subject. She seemed to be middling between teams.

A night later, the news was showing a lesbian wedding to mark the beginning of legalized gay marriage in New York. My grandmother under her breath, shaking her head, "Now, that's disgusting. That's just silly." I leave the room. I come back with a snack.

While visiting my Aunt in Boston and touring the new American wing at the MFA, I think that the homophobia is out of bounds for now. Safely dropped off in Vermont. As my parents, aunt, and I are leaving the MFA, we get approached by an adorable young queer asking us to support marriage equality. My parents breeze on by. My aunt says, pointing her finger at me, "Oh, she will." And stands beside me while I sign a petition. As we leave to catch up with my parents, she says, "Now, aren't you proud. I've come a long way, haven't I?"

Finally, two nights ago, my sister, parents and I are going through my other grandmother's jewelry. She didn't have much, mostly just costume beads from TJ Maxx but somewhere along the line, she had gotten a string of pearls. Those went to my first sister for her wedding. My other sister got her cedar chest as her wedding present. Around the desk, my sister asks aboutmy grandmother's engagement ring. My dad said something about getting the stone set in something else, perhaps a tie-tack as he made gestures with his fingers around breastbone. I said, "Someone should get it as a ring." "That's just it," he said. "It's an engagement ring. No one needs an engagement ring. And besides, these things are typically past down to grandsons to propose. We don't have any." I didn't think. "I can use it to propose." I'm near tears at this point. I really just want something of my grandmother's, whose memorial I missed a few weeks ago because I couldn't afford to change my flight. "That won't be happening," says my dad, the topic final. The ring to be reset. My marriage, if Cat and I ever decide we want to invest in that institution, unadorned.

And I think that these conversations are just part of the visit. I prepare ahead of time for them. I brace myself. And I realize that all the bracing is why my body feels heavy, hurting-- in time for Project 28 to officially begin tomorrow.