Here's what they don't tell you about finishing your exams: the following night, after some sleep and a few celebratory meals with friends, you will sit down on your couch, stare at the blank television screen in front of you, and feel a pit open in the bottom of your torso. This will be the beginning of an immense sadness that will leave you unsettled for, perhaps, weeks.
I have two weeks until my oral defense. My body feels heavy--not in the way that it feels when it hasn't had enough sleep. I've slept. In fact, I had an amazing dream where my 14-year-old terrier was taking care of a baby wolf (interpretations welcome in comment section). But my body feels heavy in the way it feels after someone close has died. And time is passing in that same way, too-- a passing marked by meals and sunsets but not any feeling of change.
And I wonder, what is it that I'm mourning?
This is a project about finding balance in my twenty-eighth year. And losing some weight. This in the midst of beginning a longer-distance relationship with my partner, taking my PhD Candidacy exams, and continuing my mental health recovery.
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